Sometimes we can explain exactly what is happening inside us. We know the right therapy words. We can identify our protectors, describe our childhood, explain our attachment patterns, and understand why we react the way we do. But we may still feel disconnected from ourselves. This can happen when an analytical part, or what Internal Family Systems calls a Self-like part, takes the lead. These parts are not doing anything wrong. They may have helped us survive confusing situa

Grief is not only the pain of losing someone. Sometimes, we also lose the person we were when we were with them. Every meaningful relationship brings certain parts of us to life. Maybe we felt playful around them. Safe. Needed. Known. Perhaps they were the person we called when life became overwhelming, or the only person who understood a particular part of our story. When that person dies, leaves, becomes estranged, or breaks our trust, we do not only lose their physical pre

If you are someone navigating OCD and are reading this, please be advised that this could be trigging. This post does not contain graphic or traumatic information. _________________________________________________ OCD often begins with a small but frightening question: What if I hurt someone? What if I made a terrible mistake? What if I do not really love my spouse? What if I offended God? What if I am a bad person? Most people experience strange or unwanted thoughts. I certa

Sometimes healing does not initially feel like clarity. Sometimes, the closer we get to something important, the more confused we become. You may finally feel close to your spouse, and suddenly begin questioning the entire relationship. You may touch a painful emotion in therapy, and your mind goes blank. You may notice sadness in your body, and immediately become overwhelmed by anxiety, criticism, distracting thoughts, or the urge to leave. It can feel like there is a puppet

I have spent a lot of time trying to think my way out of anxiety. If I could understand the problem, make the right plan, find the missing piece, or get enough certainty, maybe I could finally settle down. My mind can be especially convincing when anxiety attaches itself to finances or work. It tells me there is one more number I need to calculate, one more possibility I need to consider, or one more decision I need to make before I am allowed to rest. Sometimes planning is w

Have you ever had a thought come into your mind that felt completely unlike you? Maybe it was violent, sexual, offensive, blasphemous, or disturbing. Maybe you imagined hurting someone you love, doing something inappropriate, or suddenly losing control. Then, almost immediately, another thought followed: “Why would I think that?” “What does this say about me?” “Would a good person have a thought like this?” “What if I secretly want it?” If you're struggling with OCD, you know

For many people, setting a boundary feels mean. I know they did for me at first. You know you need to say no, but another part of you immediately feels guilty. “What if they think I don’t care?” “What if I hurt their feelings?” “What if they get angry?” “What if setting this boundary changes our relationship?” So you say yes when you want to say no. You answer the call when you don’t have the capacity. You agree to another visit, favor, responsibility, or emotionally exhausti

Most couples do not enter conflict intending to hurt one another. They enter conflict trying to be understood. One person wants their pain acknowledged. The other wants their intentions understood. One wants an apology. The other wants the whole story considered. And before long, two people who love each other are standing on opposite sides of an invisible courtroom. Each person has evidence. Each person has witnesses. Each person has a closing argument. And neither person fe

Sometimes pain feels like a current. A memory surfaces. A conflict unfolds. We read another devastating story in the news. Someone we love is struggling, or something in our present moment touches an older wound. Before we fully understand what is happening, we can feel ourselves being pulled inward. Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing, uses the phrase “trauma vortex” to describe the powerful pull of unresolved traumatic energy. Like a whirlpool, it can draw our